Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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