Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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