why didn't you poke me back
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
