Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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