The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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