so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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