I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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