Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
barbara walters just said penis...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
