It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize