I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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