im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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