he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
