I wannas sexs uuuuu
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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