dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
