and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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