I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize