im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize