Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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