I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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