his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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