If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
