i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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