Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
