my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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