so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
