come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
