I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
