I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
