Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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