6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
