He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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