I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize