You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
