I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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