New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You have to summon your inner elephant
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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