guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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