Say something about gay babies.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
