I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The air was thick with penises
I'm just crazy horny about you
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
