And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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