Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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