I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
