the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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