I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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