my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
