Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
