I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
