Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
