i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
