she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
