...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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