Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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