On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
