If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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