dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
