New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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