Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
