Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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