The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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