Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
