I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
