come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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